The power of a stare

This week is a national holiday and many students have gone home to be with their families, which has left the campus with only a few students.  I was talking to a student yesterday about how nice it was to have a nearly empty campus because I didn’t have to deal with everybody staring at me all the time.  She thought the reason it bothered me was because it was the first time I had been to a foreign country.  But that’s not true; China is the 17^th country I’ve been to outside of the US.  So why did it bother me so much here?  I was wracking my brain for a reason, and then I realized that this is the first time I’ve been to a country (or a part of a country) where foreigners are an anomaly. 

All the places I had been to in Mexico and South America had seen scores of tourists of varying skin tones and languages before I came.  In those places, I was just another outsider- one of many.  In Peru, I did encounter many indigenous people who live simply and may be without modern technology, but it was in places like Machu Picchu and other Incan ruins on the tourist radar.  In Guanajuato, foreigners are plentiful because it’s a popular place for tourists since it’s where the fight for independence originated and also many foreigners attend the University of Guanajuato.  Maybe there were people in El Salvador who stared because we were in a pretty remote area.  But in all these cases, I was with at least one, if not a large group of, other foreigners, so any stares were disseminated amongst all of us and it was thus easy to ignore.  The answer to her question is that this is the first time I’ve been in a place where foreigners rarely appear, and this time I am by myself.

I’ve gained powerful insight in to the power of a stare and how such ostracizing actions can affect another person.  My school is in a farming community which is at least a 30-minute bus ride from downtown, and many students come from small rural villages, so naturally they are fascinated with me and stare incessantly.  When someone is staring at you, it’s really hard to know what they are thinking.  I know it’s probably curiosity and most likely they have friendly intentions.  But because of the mystery it can be misconstrued as hostility and judgment.  I know that when I smile, wave, or say hello, the person in question will most likely stop staring and greet me in turn.  But with so many students at my school and if I’m walking around campus when many students are going to and from class, I can’t possibly deflect every single stare or I’d end up looking like some creepy doll with a plastered smile and an incessantly waving hand.  So my solution is mostly just to stare straight ahead or at the ground to avoid the stares.

The other day when I visited my host family in Jiangyou, the son Jerry had invited some friends over, and one girl came late.  I could tell right away that she was afraid of me.  She hesitated in the doorway before dashing in and planting herself among the other girls, even though there wasn’t any room and there was plenty on the couch next to me.  She was hunching her shoulders and cowering and clearly trying to stay as far away from me as possible.  I said hello when she came in but that just made her flinch.  This was the first time in my life that someone cowered in fear at the sight of me (and a young adult no less- she and her friends were all around 15 years old!) and I must say it made me feel really bad about myself.  What had I done?  It made me sad, then angry: She doesn’t even know me! What’s her problem?  I’m a nice person… except I couldn’t help glaring at her in my confusion.  I didn’t want to reinforce her misguided feelings about me so I forced myself to just smile at her and act friendly. 

This was such a brief experience, but it had a profound effect on me.  I realized that this kind of fear and judging based on someone’s appearance is the cause for a lot of hurt and pain in the world.  How many kids have had to endure staring and mistreatment because they’re different?  And it’s not just kids who are affected” anyone who is different for any reason (skin color, race, sexual orientation, physical and mental disability, gender, etc.) has to deal with staring and mistreatment all the time.  My heart aches for those people because, although I have always felt empathy for their plight, this is the first time in my life that I am on the receiving end of that kind of judgment.  It seems that it is in human nature to fear that which is different, and many people don’t take the time to get to know someone and so they never change their mind.  And, I repeat, I know that in my case the reactions are probably due to curiosity and not due to hostility, but it made me realize how much people’s actions can affect others, unintentionally or otherwise.  Everyone needs love and if someone is always seeing people stare or cower at the sight of them, that person will have a very hard time not closing their heart to humanity.  It’s a cruel self-fulfilling prophecy: good people who are subjected to constant misunderstanding may become bad people as a result.  Not to be cliché, but in that moment watching that girl trying to hide from me amongst her friends, I couldn’t help thinking of Frankenstein and how societal rejection and violence turned him into the monster people had always feared him to be.

It’s amazing how only a few moments can lead a person to have such tremendous changes in thinking.  It’s moments like that when I really have to push myself to be patient.  It’s a test for my character to meet such actions with kindness and acceptance.  I have to see from their point of view and not take any of it personally, which is hard but I’m pretty sure I’m up to the challenge.